The
Postpartum Bubble
Exposed
RawVulnerableSensitiveImpressionable
Everyone expects a newly married couple to take some time to themselves after the wedding: it's widely recognized that they need to be given some space so that they can become comfortable in their new roles as husband and wife (to say nothing of beginning to recover from the sheer insanity of those stress-filled weeks leading up to the wedding). But when couples who've just had a baby ask to be given a few days to themselves before the visitors start arriving in droves, they're sometimes made to feel as if they're being unreasonably selfish in depriving other people of the chance to sneak a peek at the new arrival.
"In the sheltered simplicity of the first days after a baby is born, one sees again the magical sense of two people existing only for each other."
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
There's certainly a strong case to be made for taking what renowned childbirth educator Sheila Kitzinger has dubbed a "babymoon" time alone as a family during a baby's first few days of life. Not only do new mothers need to physically recover from the rigors of giving birth and adjust to the hormonal changes that are triggered as they move from a pregnant to a non pregnant state, but both parents also need a chance to regain their bearings and to get used to the fact that from this point forward they're going to be someone's mom or dad.
People in other parts of the world would no doubt be amused to hear about Western society's supposed "invention" of the babymoon. In many cultures, it's been a long-standing tradition to give mothers and babies the time and space required to get to know one another better. One tribe in Brazil, for example, routinely grants a mother and her baby a month of seclusion, while in India, it's traditional for new mothers to focus solely on meeting the new baby's needs during the first 22 days after the birth. These cultures have long known what we're just now discovering: that it's only natural to want to drink in everything about your new baby the softness of her skin, the vulnerability of her cry, the irresistible smell of the top of her head, and those soulful stares that tell you that there's a lot more going on inside her head than you might otherwise have suspected.
All your senses are heightened after birth in order to forge a strong bond to your baby and become acutely aware of what you need in order to stay mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.
"My sense of smell, taste, and even feeling textures in my mouth and with my fingertips were so enhanced. If something smelled good, it smelled really good. If something tasted bad, I couldn't eat it for weeks after the initial taste. And feeling my baby's skin was like heaven. My hearing was especially affected. What was the typical volume on the TV suddenly was too loud. I couldn't stand to watch violent movies or anything with a fight in it. And even the thought of listening to semi-harsh music got me stressed out."
Mother of 3, one week after birth
Nature made this 'heightened state' a universal constant for every woman. It's how we bond to our babies and make them and ourselves and families strong.
"Because I was feeling so good, I made the mistake of going to the store two days after given birth. What seemed like a normal shopping experience to others ended up being very stressful for me. I felt like everyone was staring at and judging me. I felt so exposed and vulnerable to everyone. Luckily no one came up to me and wanted to touch and ask about the baby. If they had, I might have run out of there." Laura, mother of 2
Marguerite, 37, feels fortunate that she and her husband, David, were able to enjoy some quiet time as a family after the births of their two children. Marguerite's father was on hand to celebrate the arrival of each of his grandchildren but managed to give the new parents the breathing space they needed to settle into their new routines. "With both of my children, my dad came up the day they we re born to help us get settled in at home, but then left soon after to give us some time alone for a few days," she recalls. "Then he returned several days later for another short visit. This was the perfect amount of intervention. He helped when we needed it, but left us alone to sleep and babymoon."
Don't make the mistake of assuming that you don't need a babymoon if this is your second or subsequent baby. Contrary to popular belief, babymoons aren't just for first-time parents. "Having a babymoon is even more important the next time around," she insists. "Life seems to go back to its normal pace sooner than you want it to, and people aren't as generous with you when it's not the first baby. There seems to be an assumption that this is all old hat and you don't need the support as much."
Like Lisa, third-time mother Chonee, 36, agrees that a babymoon is as important for veteran parents as it is for first-timers: "I believe that whether it is the first or the second or even the third child, there needs to be a quiet time to adjust and get settled. I think the exact period of time needed differs for everyone, but what is most important is that new moms and dads not feel guilty about saying no to visitors during that period of time. We found that people readily accepted it when we said, 'We'd love to see you, but not until next week. We need this week just to get back to normal.'"
Other mothers have experienced similar intrusions from well-meaning but nonetheless annoying relatives and friends. "I had visitors all day and all night during my first week home, recalls Jane, a 32-year-old mother of one. "No wonder I was exhausted and suffering from the postpartum blues!" Darci, a 29-year-old first-time mother, found that the steady flow of visitors during the early days of her baby's life left her feeling totally drained: "I was so overwhelmed by visitors that at one point I left the room and cried, and when my husband came in to see how I was, I told him to send everyone home."
He re are some practical tips on defending your right to a babymoon without alienating those around you. (I don't know about you, but I think there's the makings of a Dale Carnegie book in here somewhere!)
* Talk to your partner about your plans for the babymoon. It's important to be upfront about your expectations so that there won't be any crossed wires or hurt feelings down the road. It's also important to be prepared to compromise with regard to your partner's involvement: while you might want him to participate wholeheartedly in the babymoon experience, you have to be prepared to respect his feelings if he isn't willing or able to hang out with you and the baby 24 hours a day. Forcing the issue will only lead to stress and conflict at the time in your life when you most need to feel in synch with your partner. Molly, a 36-year-old mother of three is still dealing with the fallout of her babymoon three years later...
"I really wanted a babymoon. I had fantasies of my family and I spending hours lying around and falling in love with the baby. My husband I agreed that he would do the dishes, laundry, make the meals, and take care of our daughters during his time off, about 5 days. Well, I felt great after the birth, a little too great, and my husband took that as a signal that he could do some yard work, make some work phone calls, and spend time on the computer. He would spend about half the day doing other things besides caring for me and the family. That left me feeling abandoned and taken advantage of. I ended up having to do the dishes and folding loads of laundry."
How you spend your time immediately following birth you can never get back and it will be etched in your memory. Whether it's a good or bad is a matter of planning. Just like you will always remember your wedding day, your honey moon, and the day you birthed your baby, you will always remember your babymoon.
* Communicate your wishes to friends and family. Once you and your partner have agreed about how you intend to handle your babymoon, be sure to get the word out to friends and family members. You'll find that people will be more accepting of your need for privacy during the early days if you reassure them that there will be ample opportunities for visiting down the road. Another way to handle this situation is to let the eager beavers in the crowd pay a quick visit shortly after the birth: with any luck, they'll back off a little once they've had the chance to check out the baby. But I there is still caution with this.
"My next baby, I'm not going to tell anyone I had her for at least a week. Even well meaning phone calls and help drained me. I don't really care if they think I'm dead. I regret devoting energy to anyone other than my baby and husband. It's more important to preserve that time with my family." Stacie, mother of one
* How much time for a babymoon? That's going to vary, but plan on at least a week. Some women take the end of their lochia flow as a signal that their bodies is ready to resume "normalcy". For some mothers, especially those who had worked outside the home, they can feel like they have cabin fever, but resisting the urges to "go out an do something" pays off in the end. That's not to say that a leisurely walk isn't in order, but certainly don't resume normal life if at all avoidable.
"A Mbuti pygmy woman in Zaire sits in her spherical, womb-shaped leaf hut with her baby, rocking it as she rocked it while she was rubbing her belly by the river, singing it the special song that it heard her sing while it was still inside her, letting it drink her milk and explore the feel and smell of her body. She might sit near the doorway for a while so that the baby can slowly get used to the leafy green light of its new world. But not until the third day does she leave her hut with her baby."
Carroll Dunham and The Body Shop Team,
Mamatoto: A Celebration of Birth
PRACTICAL REASONS TO BABYMOON
1..Allow both baby and family protection from illness. The baby's immune system has time to mature before being exposed.
2. Allows mom to get familiar and comfortable with breastfeeding and baby care before she has to demonstrate this in front of others.
3. Mother needs time for physical recovery and hormonal and emotional adjustment.
4. Mom will avoid overburdening abdominal and uterine muscles thereby speeding recovery and increases the time it takes for her to return to a pre pregnant state. Additionally since lochia flow is heaviest during the first week, you eliminate dealing with that inconveniently.
5. The Father and sibling also benefit greatly from a babymoon. Everyone understands better the sacredness and respect a new family member deserves. It also strengthens their bonds to the baby and mother, too. It's a gentle way of expanding the love in a family and helps to avoid jealousy. Love isn't always automatic and a babymoon fosters that love and provides an opportunity for services towards the mother and baby. And it's well known that we end up loving those we serve.
Adapted by Amy Jones from The Mother of All Baby Books, by Ann Douglas
